Online Recovery Programme Session 13
Welcome to your Practitioner Recommended Session
The Value of Values
Before you get going, watch this short video message from Elaine.
Follow the link to listen to the audio version of session 13:
Introduction
It’s so great to be with you again.
Today we are going to dig down beneath our symptoms and start to investigate what makes us tick. We will explore the unconscious systems that up until now have prompted you to make choices and decisions that will have contributed significantly to the symptoms and health challenges you have been experiencing.
The Chrysalis Effect is all about finding the underlying cause, because once we are aware that our thoughts, feelings and behaviours have a direct impact on our body, we can change things and the symptoms begin to disappear.
Sounds simple doesn’t it? Well it is!
However, it does take a bit of time to embed any new thought or behaviour, but it's so worth it and we know that recovery from what you are experiencing is worth the effort for you to get the control back over your life and wellbeing.
So think about what you miss doing most at the moment and keep that in your mind. It will spur you on when you are having one of ‘those’ days.
Your body has been warning you for a long time that what you are choosing to do is not serving you. It is trying to give you the signal that you are not being true to yourself in some shape or form. The worse the symptoms are, the harder your body is trying to get your attention.
Are you ready to listen to those powerful messages and be grateful that your body cares enough about you to persist, no matter how long you have been ignoring it? Yes? Brilliant – then here goes.
Well in the first instance we have to understand fully what drives our decisions. What has made you choose things like your career or your partner? What drives the choices you make in relation to money, leisure time or food?
The answer is that the foundation of all our decisions was set long ago when we were very young - they are our values and we'll explore them in more detail in the next module.
So What Are Our Values?
Values are often described as principles; the building blocks of our lives. They are the things that are important to us.
Is family time a priority for you? Is having a good job important to you? How about being thought well of by other people?
These fundamental preferences are tied in to our values and it is our values that literally drive our decisions. We are often unaware of how much influence they have over the way we feel until we make a decision that is not in line with our values – then we feel low or upset.
When we make decisions that honour our values we feel a sense of contentment or inner peace. Our values directly impact our feelings and have therefore been defined as ‘emotional states’ that we either seek to feel or wish to avoid experiencing.
What are they and where do values come from?
Well there are hundreds of them and for the most part we don’t think about them because we have grown up within families and organisations where they existed, often without even discussing them.
If we take the values of Faith, Hope and Charity - each value is intangible and they mean very different things to different people. For some, security may mean a regular wage and having savings in the bank. For another person security may relate to personal safety and for another it may mean being part of a loving family or relationship.
We are aware of these powerful states when we achieve them or are living our lives in harmony with them. We will experience an inner peace or joy as we make our choices in line with our values.
We also become acutely aware of them when our values are violated. We will notice a negative emotion, possibly anger, when someone else violates our value. Imagine having integrity as your highest value and someone accusing you of doing something you hadn’t done! It would be difficult not to experience some kind of emotional response.
When we violate our values, we may take quite some time to recognise the impact of what we are doing.
Take the example of the person who thrives on risk and excitement taking a job on a production line in a factory spending 12 hours per day doing a repetitive task. The fallout from this may take the form of persistent tiredness or a loss of interest in life and if ignored may begin to cause headaches or irritability. If this warning is ignored we become stressed and this can lead to serious ill health. We will explore this in the section on Stress later in the programme.
This is only one example of how we might be doing something that isn’t really us. It simply isn’t what we feel is right for us. When we dishonour our own values we make choices that don’t fit in with what we believe is important to us.
Elaine Talks About Values
Where do our values come from? The truth is we inherit them!
We are born into a value set that we never chose. We will often have been placed into a school or social circle that reflects those same values.
In my own family, as I have said before, hard work was a top value and if you weren’t being industrious you were called lazy. This set up an unspoken rule that you were approved of only if you worked long hours. It really was the answer to everything in our family.
As a child you crave approval so you do the things that get it. Another one was ‘respect’, this came from a strong sense of class difference. I had a working class upbringing and my parents would refer to people as ‘educated’ or ‘moneyed’ and people in those categories were seen as superior or more importantly we were taught to slightly inferior.
A Recoverer's Relapse Story
It’s so easy, when you start feeling a bit better to stop doing the things that actually got you to where you are now.
I remember that when I stopped writing in my journal, I didn’t have as much balance in my life as I needed. Something I also noticed was if there was something bothering me, something emotional, or a situation I didn’t know how to deal with, I would sometimes end up working and keeping myself busy to avoid facing up to the changes that needed to be made.
I would get so involved in what I was doing, I didn’t really have time to think about it. At the time it felt like it was helping, but in the end, it affected my health again.
This is something I really have to keep an eye on, as there are always going to be situations that are not easy to deal with in life, or things you are not sure how to resolve, but by hiding them behind being busy made things worse for me.
It can lead to a relapse, if you are overdoing it and not dealing with the issue you are avoiding. So make sure you are aware of this, if it is something that you do.
You may avoid it in other ways but just become aware of how you don’t deal with issues that need your attention, as more often than not, once they are dealt with, they were never as bad as you imagined then to be in the first place.
So remember that your emotions can really drive your behaviours, so be aware of them and let them in, let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel and then make the changes you need to make.
Trust me, it makes all the difference.
Beware of Your Gremlins!
Those values that were important to others when we were growing up stay with us and can cause us to experience conflict and low self-esteem.
We know they are not our values, but when we try to take an action that doesn’t fit with them, a horrid little voice pops up and make us feel guilty or talks us out of doing what we want to do, so we do what is expected of us instead.
- In how many ways do we try to be good enough or live up to others expectations or even worse our own unrealistic ones?
- Have you got a little voice in your head telling you need to do more or be better?
It can become a form of self-abuse when we berate ourselves for not measuring up instead of praising ourselves for all that we have achieved. We know that a very common problem when we become ill with M.E is the denial stage when we are terrified that we are becoming lazy. People torture themselves that they can’t possibly be ill and they must be getting sloppy and lazy instead.
Has this happened to you? Take the gremlin test in your exercises later on in this session and see what your inner voice is saying.
I used to see it all the time when I taught in college. Young people starting their careers and doing courses that their parents chose for them because they thought it would be best for them. The worst two areas for this behaviour are Medicine and Law. Professor Nick Hall lectures in Medical universities and he has lost count of the number of students who are ill because they are doing a course their parents wanted them to do.
Very Important
This is your life and no one has the right to tell you how to live it!
A Recoverer Talks About Values
When you understand your values and realise they play a major role in your life and in your decisions and therefore how you feel, you realise the importance of them.
The thing I see the most is that people who have never lost their health really don't value it, and take it completely for granted, pushing themselves far beyond anything I would ever do, now that health is one of my number one values.
Now the thing with values is we look at life through the lens of our own values. When family & friends and the people in your life are living their lives through theirs, and you have very different values, this is when relationships can often have conflict. The more we are aware of our values and those of our family, the less conflict there is.
For instance there are people in my life that smoke, and don't eat very healthily and I find it really hard not to say anything. As we know, when you have an illness you do everything you can to feel better, and when you see people around you, just not bothering about taking care of themselves it's hard not to say something, and that's because you care. But to them it's not that important because they feel ok.
It can be the same in other areas with other values, like money: some people value saving it, while others spend it. Some people value spending time with their family, others think cleaning your car for you is a nice thing to do, but you would rather they spent time with you.
Again it's different values for everyone and when you understand them, life becomes a little easier. You are not always going to agree, but you can understand each other more.
Ignoring Your Values
What happens if we live values we don’t believe in?
Well we will be putting ourselves under mental, physical and spiritual stress.
If we try and reject those values families get upset. We learn from a very young age that going against the status quo in a family, school, church or workplace will cause problems for us.
However the misery of M.E is without doubt the result of doing things we really don’t believe in. When we feel our heart is not in something we experience inner conflict. We are not being authentic. This creates stress which leads to all kinds of physical and emotional symptoms.
In many cases the conflict arises from trying to live a value system that you have not questioned but doesn’t fit with who you truly are.
Relationship Stress
Relationship stress can also happen when you are an adult and you have a partner or spouse whose value system doesn’t match yours.
If they have a strong willed character you will find that you will be doing lots of things you really would rather not be doing.
The difficulty is it becomes normal to you and then you will justify it. But your body will be ringing alarm bells and showing unhealthy symptoms, so then you listen.
"Diseases of the soul are more dangerous and more numerous than those of the body."
- Cicero
The most important thing to glean from this foray into something as fundamental as upbringing and values is that we didn’t choose either.
Who you are born to is a lottery and the values that are bestowed on young minds are just as random. So there is no need to blame parents and teachers as they inherited their values in the same way you did.
Indecision & Inner Conflict
You know when you are not living in line with your values as you will be experiencing some kind of inner conflict.
You find yourself saying “Part of me wants to do X but the other part of me wants to do Y.” This is a head/ heart battle which creates an emotional response.
This is often when you know what you want but you can feel that it is pulling you away from your inherited, religious or cultural values which can create a fear of what will happen if you take this action.
We worry about what others will think or say about us.
Decision making is always impeded because we are unclear about our values or are still clinging on to ones that no longer suit us.
Elaine says:
"It is also important to be honest with yourself. I used to say that family was my highest value and that was why I worked so many hours. In fact, my family only ever saw me exhausted and I was often pre-occupied when my kids spoke to me.
I learned that what I had really been doing was working for the recognition it would give me to prove I was good at something.
It was, ironically, my family who suffered because I became so ill I couldn’t be a wife or mum to them. They would have preferred to have me healthy and accessible rather than earning a high income or being promoted."
Being True
When we honour our values we feel a sense of peacefulness. When we don’t we feel dis-ease which we know leads to disease.
The other thing that is fascinating about our values is that whatever they are, they all lead us to the same thing in the end. Let us explain.
Means Values and End Values
It’s easier to look at these in terms of identifying one value as the vehicle and the end value as the destination.
For example: If ‘Financial Success’ or ‘Making a Difference’ is held as one of your values, it will be the vehicle to bring something to you. It's simple.
You just ask yourself, "If I were to have financial success in my life what would this give me, and how would this make me feel?" Keep asking and asking until eventually - guess what you will say?
It will make me feel ‘happy’ or ‘joyful’ or ‘peaceful’ Yes, that is it! That is what we all want to feel: joy or peace.
These states promote your sense of wellbeing which in turn creates good health. Our body is our navigation system that tries to guide us toward this feeling and warns us when we are heading off in the wrong direction. This is the case with every value because our values make us feel a certain way.
It’s amazing we all want the same things but we can only get to experience joy or peace when we are living our true values because someone else’s will never give you joy or peace.
Is Health One of Your Highest Values?
It probably hasn’t been – but it will need to come first for you to get well and stay well.
You will always have to be vigilant and protect your health as you would protect your most valuable possession. I am unshakeable now and if something will compromise my health I say no to it.
That doesn’t mean I say "No, I can’t do that because I will get ill", that is a negative focus. I simply say "No Thank you" or "I won’t be available". It means that you have to step up your level of self-care nutritionally, emotionally, physically and mentally.
An Important Point
Our values are learned. They will be the result of our parenting, our cultural heritage, our education, the people we mix with and the influence they have on us.
The fact that they are learned means that they are not necessarily truly what we want and may become rules that we feel we should live by.
Just as we let go of old possessions that are no longer useful, we can release old values that are no longer appropriate and serve no useful purpose.
Think of a value like ‘Duty’ and ‘Service’ and you can imagine a parent who gave their life to the military or doing voluntary work for charity bringing up their child to believe these were an essential part of everyday life.
The child of such a parent may have wonderful gifts as an artist or musician and want to live with different priorities.
"When you shrug off your obligatory values and get to the root of what you really care about, life changes in a big way. Your days are filled with a sense of excitement that simply was not present before, and you begin to see possibilities that were previously invisible to you."
- Aaron Whiston
Interview with Jane Montague
Jane is an inspirational yoga teacher and a great friend of the Chrysalis Effect team.
She is a single mum of 2 with a nursing background and has been registered as a physical therapist and holistic counsellor for 20 years.
In this interview with Elaine, Jane talks about her own journey and how she supports students through physical and mental challenges.
Jane also recorded our 30 minute meditation for each session.
Listen to Interview
You can listen to Jane's interview online or download a copy to your computer from the Downloads section.
Top Tips
Honouring Your Number 1 Value of Health
Body
- Cut out sugar and processed food
- Take the right foods with you when you are going out
- Drink filtered water
- Cut out alcohol and caffeine
- Take the right supplements that support your system
- Get adequate rest and stop over-stretching yourself with activities to please others
- Incorporate exercise into your week - Yoga is a great place to start
Mind
- Learn to say a big fat NO to things you don’t want to do
- Praise yourself for every step you take to rebuilding your health
- Read books that uplift you and support your wellbeing. Have you read The Journey by Brandon Bays yet?
- Practice forgiveness of yourself and others
- Release all guilt – say "I have the perfect right to be me"
Spirit
- Save energy for fun stuff - what would you be excited about doing?
- Listen to beautiful music that moves you emotionally
- Meditate and empty your mind of tiresome thoughts
External World
- Find other people that share your values and contact them as it’s always exciting to meet like-minded people - we can talk about values in our Facebook group
- Order a magazine that teaches you about health
- Search for a course that captures what you would love to do - send off for information
Important Note
This is such an important session and we know it will make a massive difference to you. In a future session we will look at your belief systems which will then take this work to an even deeper level.
In the meantime let us know what changes you decide to make. Enjoy the exercises knowing you will have taken another step towards rebuilding your health.
Learn to say NO. Always.
Tell them when you are available. Say No when you don’t want to do it. If you struggle with guilt just let it go - it is just an over-developed sense of responsibility.
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Wellbeing Exercises
Some Meditations for You To Enjoy
Meditation: Vivienne Bouchier (15 mins)
Meditation: Jane Montague (30 mins)
Meditation: Diana Powley (40 mins)
And Finally
Inspirational Quote
"There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time."
- Og Mandino
Enjoy your week and remember to update us in the Facebook Group.
Love & gratitude,
Elaine and the Team x
