Online Recovery Programme Session 23
Welcome to your Practitioner Recommended Session
M.E. and the Expectation of the Self
Before you get going, watch this short video message from Elaine.
Follow the link to listen to the audio version of session 23:
What is the Expectation of the Self?
In this session we are investigating a theme that has emerged while we have been talking with sufferers and recoverers - The Expectation of the Self.
It has become such a common thread weaving in and out of our own and so many people’s stories, that we felt we needed to trace how this phenomena may have created some of the behaviours that lead to a severe breakdown of a person’s health.
So firstly we need to explain exactly what this phrase means.
Well it has long been recognised and we have discussed it in previous sessions, that M.E. seems to go hand in hand with the typical type behaviour.
The majority of sufferers would be the first to admit that before their illness they would fit into at least a few, if not all, of the following categories:
- Fast paced
- Driven
- Tenacious
- Perfectionist
- High achievers
- Dynamic
- Available to help others
It stands to reason that with this kind of profile you are more likely to make higher demands on yourself and indeed have certain ‘Expectations of the Self’ than those who are more laid back and slower paced.
Phase 4 in the recovery process, as you know, is the Internal Search. This is the stage where we have to be prepared to piece together everything that will have contributed to our health breakdown. It is here that we begin to take personal responsibility for our choices and behaviours so that we can ensure anything we have been thinking, or doing that has had a destructive effect, is eliminated.
For those of us who have dug a little deeper, we have uncovered the fact that we share a heightened sense of responsibility which leads us to take on the lion’s share of other people’s problems.
An elevated, and in many cases, destructive Expectation of the Self means you have felt it your responsibility to:
- Sort out problems
- Smooth things over
- Take charge of situations
- Try to control outcomes
- Please others
- Make decisions for others
- Help others and put their needs before your own
- ‘Fix’ other people’s lives or problems
- Make things better
- Keep others happy
- Be the life and soul of the party when you don’t feel like it
- Make up the difference when others fall short
- Feeling guilty if you don’t do any of the above
Why Am I Like This?
Did any of that sound familiar to you?
The difficulty with recognising this behaviour in yourself is that it becomes normal for you. It is only when you look at the way others live their lives that you realise many people do not wade in and try to sort out everything for other people. They can listen and observe without feeling guilty. They can allow others to have challenges and problems; they can show empathy without the compulsion to get involved.
For those of us who find it almost impossible to stand back and let go, it is easy to see how it causes us feelings of anxiety and we start to feel overwhelmed. Your brain is coping not just with your life but with everyone else’s as well. Can you see why it became overloaded and frazzled and could no longer function?
We have touched on this before, however, what we haven’t looked at is:
Why are we like this?
What causes this overdeveloped sense of responsibility that leads to a punishingly high Expectation of the Self?
We'll explore some reasons in the next module.
Childhood Experiences
Exploring Childhood Experiences
We can imprint these behaviours from our parents. If you have been raised by anxious parents you will learn certain patterns.
The most common theme that we have picked up though is that too much has been expected of us when we were very young, in one capacity or another, and a pattern developed.
In Lucy’s interview this week she traces this back to having to take full responsibility for her siblings when she was only 5 years old. This is much too young to have that responsibility thrust upon her.
In dysfunctional families where parents argue, drink or break up the family unit, it affects individual children to different degrees. Emotionally sensitive children will often feel unconsciously that they are somehow to blame and feel compelled to do something to try to make things better. They will try in their own way to create the harmony they crave.
Children are not equipped to understand or handle these situations and so even though they may look as if they have taken it in their stride, internal anxieties will be present.
The Origins of the Anxiety Loop
We have noted before that horrible feeling that we experience when our thoughts go into overdrive and go round and round, sometimes tipping us into a state that could be described as a kind of anxiety disorder.
In the work of Edmund Bourne PHD called 'The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook’ he identifies how multiple factors like heredity, genetic predisposition and cumulative stress can come together to set up an intense anxiety response in certain individuals.
He says: ‘Some experts in the field of anxiety disorders propose ‘single cause’ theories. Such theories tend to oversimplify anxiety disorders and are susceptible to one of two mistaken lines of reasoning - the biological fallacy and the psychological fallacy.
...the idea that your particular difficulties are just a psychological disturbance neglects the fact that nature and nurture are interactive."
He has identified 4 ways that children become adversely affected.
1. Parents communicating an overly cautious view of the world
These parents are forever warning their children – "Don’t do this - or that will happen." They will be told every day to 'be careful’. This can set up a feeling that the world is a dangerous place, causing a tendency for a child to become an adult who worries excessively. The physical impact of heightened fear of threat we know is overproduction of adrenaline and the damaging cortisol.
2. Parents are overly critical and set excessively high standards
This creates a feeling of never being good enough. Children grow into adulthood working overtime to please others. The criticism of parents becomes internalised so as an adult you will be very self-critical. This creates an insecurity which may lead you to become overly dependent on a person or place that makes you feel safe.
3. Your parents suppress your expressions of feelings and self-assertiveness
These parents teach children to suppress their feelings and impulses. They will learn that it is bad to express themselves and may have experienced punishment or shame when they dared to be themselves. It is here that the seeds are sown: that the real you is bad and has to be negated in order for people to approve of you.
4. Emotional Insecurity and Dependence
This is an interesting one. Burke tells us that the experiences of neglect, rejection or abandonment through death, divorce as well as physical or sexual abuse cause us to feel insecure and seek a person or place on which we become dependent. We can become very emotionally needy adults.
The Sensitive Child and Neglect
The feelings that seem to be skimmed over in our minds are those of ‘neglect’ or ‘rejection’ and being expected to take on too much, too young.
What do you think of when you think of neglect?
We have visions of a child being hungry with poor hygiene. For a sensitive child there are more subtle ways in which they can be affected.
For example:
- Not being listened to
- Being made fun of
- An adult having an indifferent attitude to how deeply small things can affect them
- Not being taken seriously
- Not having choices validated
- Not being given any personal attention
- Public criticism
- Thrusting a child into a situation they are ill prepared to deal with
- Confiding in a child about difficulties with adult relationships or financial hardship
Elaine's Story
There was a real 'Aha!' moment for me when discussing this theme of a child taking too much onto young shoulders.
I was the youngest child in the family, so when my brother and sisters were all out playing or dating I was still at home and witnessed the horrible rows between my parents.
My dad would drink and get aggressive and once I even remember my mum getting me out of bed late at night and dressing me to pretend she was leaving my dad. We hid behind the dustbin to frighten him. We never actually went anywhere, but I can see now what a very distressing thing it was for a child to experience.
I was a very sensitive child and would not just shed a few tears at a sad film I would become heartbroken and sob uncontrollably. There was a lot of teasing in our family and my brother and sisters would laugh it off, but I used to take it very seriously and get really devastated by their jibes, jokes and criticism.
When I got upset I would be accused of not being able to take a joke. This is where I had to learn to suppress how I really felt to keep others happy.
A volatile home life was the norm for me and I grew up feeling as though I had to protect my mum. I would stand up to my dad and I would fight her battles. I would tip alcohol down the sink so he couldn’t drink it and look for things to sell so I could help her with money.
She told me too much - I saw too much and although it seemed normal it had an adverse effect on me. The pattern was pretty much set.
I took on too much responsibility in every job I ever did, I had a mortgage and my own business by the time I was 20. Looking back I suppose it was my attempt to gain my own security. It does seem a lot of responsibility for a young person.
When things went wrong I never asked for help I just coped and rescued everyone else too.
It can change.
Nowadays things are very different. I ask for help. I leave others to sort their own stuff out and although I still have the temptation to wade in, I have learned to resist and release.
I don’t agonise and analyse as much as I used to now when someone is rude or unkind. I have ‘grown up’ and toughened up and I can let things go.
I spoke to the mum of a child who was suffering from M.E. and when I asked her what she believed triggered her little girl’s illness, she said 'I don’t know'. Then she said ‘me and her dad split up but she took it really well and we are back together now'.
When I asked her about what sort of child Daisy was, she said ‘Everyone loves her. Before she got ill she was always so bubbly, happy and kind and she tries hard in everything she does. She used to go to drama and dance classes every night after school. She is always saying "why can’t everyone be happy" and gets really upset when she hears sad stories'.
I was very honest with this mother. I explained about sensitive children and helped her to stop her own denial that this break up will not have affected this little girl. These kids become achievers to escape home, make people proud of them, to prove themselves worthy – when things go wrong at home kids can blame themselves and they are trying to improve things that are out of their control.
Remember in Session 17 Liz Bowie told us her story about how as a child she worked hard at school and would get up really early because her mother drank and she would keep her at home. She became the adult in the family and sorted her own life out at a very young age. Eventually it caught up with her, and when she was faced with too many other stressors, she became physically ill and suffered for years with M.E. and fibromyalgia before learning how to release the stressors and old behaviour patterns.
A Recoverer's Story
When I was younger, my mum and dad were such great parents (they still are) in the sense that they loved and supported me and my brother in everything we chose to do. They never expected us to be, or do, anything we didn’t want to do. They loved us for who we were.
However unfortunately due to my dad being made redundant, we lost our home and it was repossessed. It was a really difficult time emotionally and financially. We moved into a temporary flat, before moving into a council house. I didn’t realise the impact it had on me until much later.
I became worried about finances and managing money at a very young age. My parents only learnt from their parents, so I don’t blame them, but they never managed money very well, therefore I never did and was always worried about it, and didn’t make very good choices.
But it made me act older than my years as I took on the responsibilities of worrying about my family and the choices they were making financially as I was growing up. There were always conversations about not having enough money. They both seemed to work really hard in their jobs, but there was always more month left at the end of the money.
So this is partly where my drive came from to want to create a different life. Even though they were happy enough, they have never done jobs they really enjoyed, it was more about paying the bills and getting by.
This gave me more passion to want to live a different life, one where I loved what I did every day and had an income that not only supported me, but where I was able to make a difference to my family in the future.
But whenever I had money in the bank, and anyone I loved or cared about needed money, I loaned it to them, because I felt guilty if I didn’t. Now I know that it’s not my responsibility to bail them out, but I felt like I had to. This relates back to my childhood, and was unconscious behaviour, I didn’t even really realise that’s why I did it.
I also believe it stems from worrying what they would think of me. If I had money in the bank, and they needed it, would they think I was being selfish if I didn't loan it to them?
Unconsciously It also set up deep fears within me about owning my own home, being able to support myself, managing money: all because of what happened in my childhood.
Get the Torch Out
Isn’t it amazing how powerful our unconscious mind is in our everyday life?
So we make all these decisions, based on beliefs we aren’t even aware of. But once you become aware of these - they are now conscious; YOU can control them and make different choices!
As a belief is only a belief because we choose to believe it, so what will YOU choose to believe differently from now on?
The Perfect Childhood
It may be that your ill-health was due to other factors. You may have had an idyllic, secure childhood with lots of positive parenting which is fantastic.
If however you can resonate with having a high Expectation of the Self take the Family Background Questionnaire in the Wellbeing Exercises.
Get the Torch Out
If you note anything that may have caused you to be overly driven or anxious it is very liberating to be able to get that torch out and see how that started.
Of course it is a pattern that you can intercept and break. It is also very important to forgive parents if they got it wrong for you. Two children can be brought up in the same environment and they will not react the same way. You can have siblings that don't get M.E.
Keys to Breaking the Cycle
There are 4 key ways to break this high 'Expectation of the Self' and the anxiety that goes hand in hand with it.
Living in the Present Moment
Learning how to be present. When you are eating a meal, experience it fully. Too many people eat on the run, standing up or while on the computer. When you are showering, tap into the sensation of the water running on your skin rather than planning what you are going to do next.
Read Eckhart Tolle's book 'The Power of Now' to release ‘future focused anxiety’.
Learning to ’Let Go’
This is an art form and one that anyone can learn and Susan Jeffers in her book ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’ makes it so easy to see how we really can handle anything that happens to us. It is our fear of what might happen that keeps us stuck in an anxiety state.
Developing Competent Assertion Skills
These enable us to see how we do not have to take responsibility for others, in fact we are disempowering them if we keep rescuing them. We need to stop doing things for others that they can sort out themselves. We will tackle this in a future session.
Trust Your Instinct in Decision Making
- There are no right or wrong decisions just different ones
- When you master these 4 you are re-discovering your authenticity
- You can be you without having to be more
- You will accept yourself and treat yourself with trust, respect, love and kindness
- We can’t turn the clock back
- We can only learn our lessons and create a life we are happy with
Expert Interview: Lucy D London
Lucy London is a Reiki master, and was severely ill with M.E.
She took radical steps to heal herself and her candid interview - including how she become responsible for her siblings at the age of 5 - is extremely inspirational and thought provoking.
Listen to the Interview
Click here to listen to Lucy's interview online or download it to your computer from the Downloads section on the right.
Top Tips
Body
Use the calming breath technique - this week learn a simple but effective yoga breathing technique in order to calm the mind. The step by step instructions are in the wellbeing exercises.
Spirituality
When you feel anxious about someone in your life and you feel tempted to jump in and help them or control the situation, imagine that you are on a beautiful island and they are getting in a boat – they are rowing the boat away from the island because they are setting off to sort out their issue. Wish them well and wave them off knowing in your heart that they will be empowered and will sort out their own challenge perfectly. Feel the peace of letting their problem go.
External World
Practice staying present in conversation. Notice how your mind behaves when you are talking to people. Are you really listening to what they are saying or are you thinking about something else? When someone talks to you this week, stop whatever you are doing and be present to their words and their feelings. What do you notice?
Wellbeing Exercises
6 Month Health Review
It is time to complete your online 6 Month Health Review to see just how far you have come and how much you have achieved in returning to health.
Symptoms Impact Questionnaire
You should also complete your 6 month Symptoms Impact Questionnaire which you can download from the Downloads section on the right.
Some Meditations for You To Enjoy
Meditation: Vivienne Bouchier (15 mins)
Meditation: Jane Montague (30 mins)
Meditation: Diana Powley (40 mins)
And Finally
Inspirational Quote
Our limitations and success will be based, most often, on your own expectations for ourselves. What the mind dwells upon, the body acts upon.
- Dennis Waitley
Recommended Reading
The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle
The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook - Edmund J Bourne
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway - Susan Jeffers
Enjoy your week and remember to update us in the Facebook Group.
Love & gratitude,
Elaine and the Team x
