Online Recovery Programme Session 29
Welcome to your Practitioner Recommended Session
Assertion, Self-Esteem and Recovery
Before you get going, watch this short video message from Elaine.
Follow the link to listen to the audio version of session 29:
People Pleasing Habits
Welcome to Session 29.
Today we explore the way we communicate with people and the way we respond to situations and requests.
A common denominator in many sufferers of M.E., chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia is the tendency to please other people. A pattern of behaviour that puts the needs of others before ourselves can lead to us becoming very depleted.
This cycle of ‘over giving’ is closely tied into our beliefs about our own sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Into this mix add the feeling of anxiety that occurs when our hormonal balance is disturbed through adrenal exhaustion and low thyroid function and you have a recipe for emotional and physical melt down whenever we are faced with handling life’s challenges.
Those that are used to being able to take on other people’s responsibilities suffer terrible guilt when they can’t do that anymore. In short we beat ourselves up for not being able to be there for everybody else.
What is the answer if you have developed people-pleasing habits?
The first step is to address your core values which we covered in depth in Session 13 and to address any limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves which we tackled in Session 19.
If that is one you didn’t spend much time on and you struggle with saying 'no' without guilt then it’s worth a re-visit.
The Next Step
The next step is to learn the new magic words that allow us to communicate in a way that enhances our health and our self-esteem at the same time and that is through using an assertive approach.
Elaine's Story
For years I used to feel I had to say yes to demands from customers, friends and family. It meant that people were very happy with the outcome of every conversation they had with me.
I would say yes immediately when I was asked a favour no matter how full my timetable was. If I said no I felt guilty. I would volunteer when others were reluctant to, and then I would wish I had kept quiet when the task became much more than I had bargained for.
When I was a child I used to volunteer at school for everything. On one occasion I volunteered at my dance school for my mum to make 16 ballet costumes - this did not go down too well with my poor mum who already had enough to cope with bringing up 4 children.
This habit continued until I got ill and finally let go of what I call my 'saint' phase!
What drives this ‘I’ll do It’ ‘Yes no problem ‘leave it to me’ attitude?
It is often fear of not being accepted as you are. It is born out of a fear that you are not enough so you have to prove your worth. It is also a need to be approved of or needed.
There is certainly a lovely short term pay off! People say things like:
- ‘You are a godsend’
- ‘Thank you so much - I don’t know what I would do without you’
- ‘I don’t know how you fit it all in - you’re amazing!’
I can see my old halo shining brightly –comments like that are music to a people-pleaser’s ears and so the cycle continues.
It was when I began teaching in Further Education that I learned about assertion skills and taught them to women returners and later to both men and women at all levels in corporate organisations.
I learned that the feelings of overwhelm and resentment are the real price of this doormat or martyr type response to every request and was amazed at the realisation that we can quickly learn some new strategies and simple phrases to stop us allowing people to take advantage of us.
The best thing is that you no longer feel guilty once you understand how to be assertive.
Quiz: How Assertive Are You?
Take the Quiz
The best thing at this stage is to take the quiz ‘How Assertive are you?
This will give you a good indication of what will be most useful to focus on in the rest of the session.
You can download the quiz and answer sheet from the wellbeing exercises below.
The Different Types of Assertion
How did you score?
Now you have the answer to how assertive you are so let's learn about Assertion. There are 4 types of responses to any given situation or request. They are:
- Aggressive
- Indirectly Aggressive
- Passive
- Assertive
Aggressive Communication
When self-esteem is low, children learn to react by getting angry and use an aggressive approach to try and control others. It is learned behaviour and almost always has been copied from a significant adult.
It is not always violent. Aggressive people are opinionated, dictatorial, bossy and controlling they will say things like 'If I were you I would’ 'That’s rubbish, what you need to do is.....'
They are easy to spot because they will try and bulldoze you into submission. They want to be right all the time and get their own way. The short term gain is they get what they want.
The downside is that people will keep things hidden from them because they can’t stand the upheaval that follows if they tell the truth.
Passive Behaviour
This could not be more opposite. Passive people put up with bad behaviour or do things they really don’t want to do to keep everyone else happy. They refuse to stand up for themselves and rarely ask for what they need.
This is the doormat syndrome, where their self-esteem is so low that they don’t stand up for themselves or voice their opinions in case someone disapproves.
This type of behaviour generates a victim mentality where they wait for something to change and feel helpless. It is a 'poor me' mind set. This refusal to take responsibility is called learned helplessness.
The payoff for giving in to all demands and letting others put upon them and put them down is that they can maintain the status quo. They get to avoid conflict at all costs.
When asked to make a choice they will fear being in the wrong so they will say:
‘I don’t mind’ or ‘Whatever you want to do is fine’ or ‘Sorry, I’m really sorry’
They apologise all the time for things that are not their fault. You will generally find that ‘Aggressives’ choose to marry or partner with a passive. The irony is that although this means they get their own way all the time they get angry that a passive will never make a decision!
Passive people often over-give to others because they get their esteem from being needed. However, they often experience resentment which manifests in health issues.
Passive Aggressive or Indirect Aggression
This one is so interesting because it is less easy to spot. It is like a sniper's bullet - it comes at you without warning almost from a sideways slight aimed at you. This type of behaviour is communicated three ways:
- Sarcastic or unkind comments passed off as jokes 'you had your hair cut that looks a lot better!'
- Manipulation 'Please do it for me I don’t have anyone else to ask'
- Inducing Guilt 'I don’t mind if you haven’t got time to visit. I’m used to spending Saturdays all on my own you go and enjoy yourself'.
These comments all have a sting in their tail. They leave you feeling uncomfortable or guilty. If you speak up and ask them why they said that or tell them you are offended, they will dismiss your comments by accusing you of being over-sensitive or not being able to take a joke or taking it the wrong way.
They will never take responsibility for their comments. This is yet again borne out of low self-esteem. They do not have the courage to be honest about how they feel, so they do it in an underhand way.
Direct Aggressives and Indirect Aggressives prey on Passive people and will abuse them - for that reason we have included in-depth articles on Abuse in the following modules.
The Facts About Abuse
Abuse is a strong word, however I think it warrants taking a little time to understand what is meant by abuse as it takes many forms. Once we understand the parameters, we can be alert and protect ourselves and our self-esteem.
Many forms of abuse are obviously cruel. Emotional abuse is more subtle. Quite often such abuse goes unseen, as even the victim does not recognize that she/he is being abused.
Although emotional abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to your self-esteem. Emotional abuse is cruel and scars your soul.
Physical or sexual abuse often follows emotional abuse, i.e. emotional battering is used to wear the victim down - often over a long period of time - to undermine them until he / she is willing to take responsibility for her abuser's actions and behaviour towards him/her or simply accept it.
Types of Abuse
We tend to think of domestic abuse as physical violence or assault on a wife. In reality, however, domestic abuse is the summary of physically, sexually and psychologically abusive behaviours directed by one partner against another, regardless of their marital status or gender.
Generally, when one form of abuse exists, it is coupled with other forms as well. Domestic abuse does not just affect people of a certain race, age, gender or background, but knows no ethnic, cultural or personal boundaries.
Domestic abuse may also be defined by identifying its function - i.e. being the domination, punishment or control of one's partner.
Abusers use physical and sexual violence, threats, money, emotional and psychological abuse to control their partners and get their way. Sometimes domestic abuse is better understood by its effect on the victim than by the specific actions of the abuser.
- Physical Abuse
- Threats
- Financial Abuse
- Sexual Abuse
- Marital Rape
- Emotional/Psychological Abuse
- Isolation
- Verbal Abuse
Emotional/Psychological Abuse
Many forms of abuse are obviously cruel. Emotional abuse is more subtle and quite often such abuse goes unseen, as even the victim does not recognize that she or he is being abused.
Although emotional abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to your self-esteem. Emotional abuse is cruel and scars your soul.
And as we know it is emotional trauma that is so often suppressed and causes many of the symptoms of chronic fatigue.
Physical or sexual abuse is always accompanied and often follows emotional abuse, i.e. emotional battering is used to wear the victim down - often over a long period of time - to undermine self-concept until he/she is willing to take responsibility for her abuser's actions and behaviour towards her or simply accept it.
There are many categories of emotional/psychological abuse. They encompass a variety of behaviours that will be easily recognisable by those experiencing them, and often remain completely unnoticed by others.
We explore some of them in the following modules.
Isolation
The abuser will control whom the victim sees, where he/she goes, whom he/she speaks to and what he/she does. This can take the form of simply not allowing them to use the phone, have friends round or visit family.
It could be by ensuring it simply isn't worth it by being in a bad mood because he/she left something undone, making the abused feel guilty that you were ‘out enjoying yourself’ while they are stuck at home.
It could be by encouraging you - theoretically - to make friends, and then discounting them or complaining that you care more for your friends/family/hobby than you do your partner.
Some abusers may move home frequently to prevent their victim from building a social support network.
Many abusers justify their control over their victim by stating that it is proof of their love, or that they worry about their safety when out, etc. In reality however, the abuser needs to isolate their victim to feel secure themselves, they feel as though any relationship, be it family, friend or colleague, will undermine their authority and take their partner away from them, i.e. it poses a threat.
The effect of this isolation is that the victim feels very alone in their struggle, doesn't have anyone with whom to do a 'reality check', and is ultimately more dependent on the abuser for all their social needs.
Forms of Isolation include:
- checking up on you
- accusing you of unfaithfulness
- moving to an isolated area
- ensuring you lack transport or a telephone
- making your friends or family feel uncomfortable when visiting so that they stop coming
- punishing you for being 10 minutes late home from work by complaining, bad moods, criticism or physical abuse
- not allowing you to leave the house on your own or taking away your passport
- demanding a report on all your actions and conversations
- preventing you from working
- not allowing any activity which excludes the partner
- finding fault with your friends/family
- insisting on taking you to and collecting you from work
In extreme cases the victim may be reduced to episodes of literally becoming a prisoner, being locked in a room and denied basic necessities, such as warmth, food, toilet or washing facilities.
Other family members or the perpetrators friends can also be used to 'keep an eye on' the victim, acting effectively as prison guards.
Verbal Abuse
When thinking of Verbal Abuse we tend to envisage the abuser hurling insulting names at the victim. While this obviously does happen, there are many more forms than name-calling.
The abuser may use critical, insulting or humiliating remarks e.g. you've got a mind like dishwater, you're stupid etc. or not using your correct name and referring to you as ‘him or her'.
He/she may withhold conversation and refuse to discuss issues, or he/she may keep you up all night insisting on talking when you need sleep. Verbal abuse undermines your sense of worth, your self-concept (i.e. who you think you are) by discounting your ideals, opinions or beliefs.
Verbal abuse can include:
- yelling or shouting at you
- making threats
- insulting you or your family
- being sarcastic or mocking about or criticising your interests, opinions or beliefs
- humiliating you either in private or in company
- sneering, growling, name-calling
- withholding approval, appreciation or conversation
- refusing to discuss issues which are important to you
- laughing or making fun of you inappropriately
- leaving nasty messages
- accusing you of unfaithfulness, not trying hard enough or purposely doing something to annoy
- blaming you for their failures or other forms of abuse
All of these abusive behaviours prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults as well as a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse can take many forms, from denying you all access to funds, to making you solely responsible for all finances while handling money irresponsibly themselves.
Money becomes a tool by which the abuser can further control the victim, ensuring either her financial dependence on him, or shifting the responsibility of keeping a roof over the family's head onto the victim while simultaneously denying your ability to do so or obstructing you.
Financial abuse can include the following:
- preventing you from getting or keeping a job
- denying you sufficient money
- having to account for every penny spent
- denying access to cheque book/account/finances
- putting all bills in your name
- demanding your wages
- spending money allocated to bills/groceries on himself
- forcing you to beg or commit crimes for money
- spending Child Benefit on themselves
- not permitting you to spend available funds on yourself or children
Do you recognise yourself and those you know in any of what you have read so far about aggressive, indirect aggressive or passive behaviours?
Don’t worry! Once we are aware of alternative ways to communicate and respond we will in turn get a very different response back.
Assertive Behaviour
When we are assertive we come from a very equal and even perspective. We are able to be in control of our lives and emotions which helps us to feel empowered and allows us to be respected when we communicate with others.
Assertion is an adult open-minded approach that embraces honesty, fairness and compromise. When we are assertive we have very distinct boundaries and can acknowledge that our needs are equal to others.
We treat ourselves and others with respect aiming for a win-win result in every interaction.
Remember you will only be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated - the responsibility is yours!
When we treat ourselves and others this way we build great self-esteem and handle things promptly rather than avoiding challenging situations.
Principles of Assertion
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
- Eleanor Roosevelt
- Honest, open and direct communication
- Setting clear personal boundaries and not letting others violate them
- Taking personal responsibility for your feelings
- Avoiding blaming or defensive behaviour
- Saying No without feeling guilty
- Respecting the other person’s viewpoint even if you don’t agree with it
- Feeling you have the right to express your opinion
- Acknowledging when you have made a mistake
- Asking for your needs to be met
- Ensuring you treat your own needs with the same level of importance as another person’s.
- Being pro-active and not waiting for things, people or circumstances to change
- Being willing to give people the benefit of the doubt until you have heard all the facts
- Responding calmly in a situation rather than reacting.
- Aiming for a win - win for both parties
- Being prepared to work toward a compromise
In the interview for this session, Elaine explains how you go about developing an assertive communication style.
In the wellbeing exercises this week there are some great easy to learn scripts with the magic words that get you a more favourable response.
We can never change another person, however, when you have clear boundaries and have built up your self-esteem, people respond positively.
The Assertion Toolkit
The 7 Tools for Effective Assertion
- Appropriate body language
- A serious message needs a serious expression. When you grin or fail to make eye contact or shift nervously your message is weakened.
- Sit up straight, shoulders back, maintain eye contact and keep still.
- Plan ahead and set the scene
- Work out what you are going to say, practice with a friend. Think what outcome you are prepared to accept.
- Know what you will be happy to accept in way of a compromise. Ask to speak to the person at a time to suit both of you. Don’t have any of these conversations if you are upset or angry, you will give away your power.
Honesty About Your Feelings
Use I statements
- I feel upset when you call me names.
- I feel under pressure when you call me at short notice.
- I feel awkward bringing this up
Concise statements
You will be more effective if you talk about the person’s behaviour because that can change.
Avoid saying ‘You are so horrible to me’.
Say instead ‘When you ignore my opinions I feel really hurt’ 'I am not prepared to be treated that way'
Persistence and repetition
Become a parrot. Say it over and over in a calm but firm manner. Pushy people who are used to getting their own way will try every which way to manipulate you to do what they want. They will try to make you feel guilty. ‘I know you would prefer me to come with you however, this is what I have chosen to do.’
Use Empathy
Listen fully to what they have to say and when they run out of words you say. ‘I can see you are in a tight spot it must be challenging. However, I am going to say no.’
Work For a Win - Win
If you can leave the room both feeling that you have been listened to and respected you have done brilliantly. 'I am glad that we had this chat'. 'I can see that we are obviously both under pressure and I hadn’t realised how much you were dealing with'. 'It’s nice to have sorted everything out'.
The exercises will enable you to:
- Say No without feeling guilty
- Ask for what you need
- Give criticism gracefully
- Handle criticism aimed at you gracefully
Being True to Yourself
Assertion is all about being true to yourself.
So ask yourself do you really want to get well? Then you have to eliminate the dishonesty from your life.
Stop doing things out of fear of the consequences. Being honest means that you are being true to who you really are. When you say 'yes' but mean 'no' or make excuses, you are living a lie.
You cannot lie to your body. Bodies listen to your innermost desires. They hear you hate your job so create an illness so you can’t do the job.
The symptoms develop when you fail to note the little warning messages.
Has this happened to you?
You get asked by a friend, who makes you feel bad about yourself, to go out with her to a party. You get a pang of dread in your gut, heart or throat while your mind races to find an excuse.
That is your clever body reminding you that this person is not a friend and you need to get out of that friendship. Instead you say yes or lie to get out of going.
When you do this over and over in a relationship or a career the body stops sending colds and headaches and it steps up its warning to red alert and you get ill.
Then guess what - we focus on fixing the illness instead of addressing the message your body wants you to hear.
Listen to every little feeling – your body is an amazing navigator.
Let us know how you get on with the assertion exercises - they really can change your life.
Expert Interview: Elaine Talks About Assertion
Elaine has been training in the field of assertion and confidence for nearly 20 years.
In this interview she discusses assertion skills, women's empowerment and the change she has seen in hundreds of women that have learnt the assertion and confidence skills she teaches.
Elaine goes into depth about what assertion is and how you can be authentic and find out who you really are - and use this to change your behaviour.
Listen to Interview
You can listen the the interview online or download it to your computer from the Downloads section.
Some Meditations for You To Enjoy
Meditation: Vivienne Bouchier (15 mins)
Meditation: Jane Montague (30 mins)
Meditation: Diana Powley (40 mins)
And Finally
Inspirational Quote
"To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life, you are the solution."
- Joe Cordare
Recommended Reading
Assert Yourself - Gael Lindenfield
You Can Heal Your Life - by Louise Hay
Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much - Anne Wilson Schaef
In Praise of Slow - Carl Honore
Enjoy your week and remember to update us in the Facebook Group.
Love & gratitude,
Elaine and the Team x
