Online Recovery Programme Session 37

So what stops them from reaching full and complete recovery? Well it’s rarely just one reason and in the main it’s a combination of several elements.

When you look at the 6 phases of recovery and the journey you have experienced so far from those very early warning signs of Phase 1 and the downward spiral that led up to your health crash at Phase 2, it is easy to underestimate just how much of an impact that each of those phases will have had on you mentally, emotionally and physically.

One of the key factors is that your sense of certainty was removed. Certainty is a driving force and it is something we all crave, so when it is removed we can feel completely overwhelmed.

This plays havoc with our emotions, which in turn affect how our body feels. We try desperately to find our way back to that sense of control, when we could predict what we could do tomorrow and the day after.

Uncertainty - The Great Stressor

M.E. takes that away certainty so it is no wonder that we get caught up in a cycle of fear and anxiety with such an open-ended condition.

• How do we know if it has gone?
• How long will it take to go?
• Will I ever get my life back?
• What if I stay like this forever?

Do those questions sound familiar? Those kinds of questions feed the fear of uncertainty.

Relapses

When you are improving and you begin to trust that you are on the mend, your symptoms may return with renewed ferocity. If this has happened, and you have had repetitive relapses and periods of remission, you may be asking: ‘Is my body tricking me again?'

When we are searching for certainty we can lose heart and start to believe that maybe you are stuck with this for life – thoughts begin to multiply that support this belief- you may catch yourself focusing on thoughts like:

‘Doctors still have no answers. Surely they would know what to do if it were curable?'

Another relapse can be so disappointing and demoralising that it is easy to see why people doubt that they will ever get fully well and therefore it becomes easier to live with a reduced expectation capacity, than risk that sense of freedom being won and lost repeatedly.

There is a sense of certainty in knowing that you may not be able to do specific things, but at least you won’t feel worse and that is where many people find their own level and get stuck. They look at the past and think that it defines their future.

Are you willing to accept a life that is only a fraction of what you wanted it to be? The truth is that life is always about uncertainty but we just don’t like to see it that way.

Storms happen, earthquakes suddenly occur, people leave, people die, companies go bankrupt, and trains go on strike. We can never truly guarantee anything can we? Yet when we are stopped with an illness, we are shocked that life has changed for us.

It is important to mention here that people also win the lottery, get a fantastic job offer out of the blue and find that they are having a longed for child after being told they could not have children.

People also make incredible recoveries after life threatening illnesses.

Personality Needs

• Do you get TLC from people who were too busy to give you their time before?
• Are you more significant because everyone is interested in how you are?
• Does it give you certainty each day that no demands are made of you?
• Does the uncertainty of your situation give you something that was missing?

Only you will know deep down which of those relate to you. Be careful if you dismiss them all because that is always denial and resistance showing through.

You didn’t choose this consciously, so no blame can be attached to you. Once you are aware though, it is easier to break the pattern and get your needs met another way.

After battling with trying to control everything in my career and my family life, I had to let go, which was very scary. Being ill allowed me to be cared for. It freed me from being the decision maker. People no longer looked at me and said: 'What shall we do?' I wasn’t able to make decisions and when I got through the layer of fear I found a comfortable place that felt peaceful.

• I didn’t have to pay bills - I was ill.
• I didn’t have to go to parties I didn’t want to go to - I was ill.
• I didn’t have to worry about not meeting my targets at work-I was ill. I could just leave everything to others.
• I didn’t have to be up and happy and perform for other people anymore.

I was ill and no one expects anything from you when you are ill.

I learned that I was the master of creating stress in my life. My two main needs were Significance and Uncertainty.

To meet my need for significance I worked 24/7 to become number 1 director in my business.

I always saw certainty as boring, so to avoid being ordinary and boring I avoided it at all costs. So to meet my need for uncertainty [which I linked to exciting] I chose to be self-employed and I would take risks by buying things on a whim and then worry about how to pay for them afterwards.

I have discovered that I just needed to change what I link certainty to. I now link freedom to certainty, rather than boredom. When you are certain you can pay your bills it is calming and freeing.

I needed to step off the world because my needs had caused my world to become chaotic and I was unable to cope with it. The hard part was breaking through my resistance and denial so I could see exactly what my payoff was.

In the wellbeing exercises today you can explore what yours are and then find another way to meet that need.

In fact that is just a smokescreen that helps them avoid taking on responsibility. Which came first- the fear of being too ill to live a full life or the symptoms that stop them?

Whichever it was, the cycle goes round and round and needs to be broken.

Collusion and Fatigue

If something feels scary and it is more comfortable to avoid doing it, then we can use illness to justify why we aren’t doing it and no one will argue with us. Outsiders can see it a mile off. Those close to you will have got into the habit of protecting you and won’t push you to do more.

So this becomes a vicious circle.

It’s important to recognise that not only do we become fatigued when we feel overwhelmed and fearful but we also experience the same level of fatigue when we are unfulfilled with no real sense of purpose.

Consider these other types of resistance.

Reverting to Type

As you begin to get back to normal after this illness, you have to be wary that you do not revert to your old behaviours of taking on too much or trying to please everyone.

Unfinished Business

Is there someone in your life that you have a long running issue with? Are you angry, hurt or upset with someone? Do you feel guilty or feel that there is a loose end in your life that niggles away at you? These things come under the heading of unfinished business. They silently drain your energy and affect you emotionally.

The cure for these situations is to either forgive yourself or the other person, let it go or take action by writing a letter or calling the person to communicate openly and honestly about how you feel.

Think about the outcome you would want and just do it. You may have to be the bigger person here. The people who say things like 'it’s down to them to apologise it’s not up to me' are carrying this burden around with them every day.

Learn to lighten your load. Do whatever brings you relief and a sense of peace.

Resisting a New Beginning

Losing your confidence and the big fat Dis-Comfort Zone.

It is absolutely normal to lose confidence when you are ill. Going back out into the world when you have been in solitary confinement is a daunting prospect.

If you have given up your old type of work where do you start? This is when those negative thought patterns creep in.

• Who would employ me?
• How could I take on a job or run my own business when I might get ill again?

These are the washing machine questions that tumble around in our brain as we consider the prospect of getting back to the world. Things that you would have done without a second thought seem beyond your capabilities.

Did you know that prisoners re-offend hoping to get caught because they can’t cope with freedom?

The journalist Alan Travis writing for the Guardian newspaper found that 70% of prisoners re-offend. In a survey of 1,435 prisoners, 68% named a job as the most important factor in preventing them going back to a life of crime after leaving prison, while for 60% it was having somewhere to live.

When they are inside, everything is done for them. They don’t have to juggle the ups and downs of jobs, relationships and finances. They have three square meals a day and don’t have to make any decisions.

In a way your illness has been just like a prison that has kept you inside and protected you from the outside world. This is necessary for the healing process to begin. When this continues month on month and year on year, staying there can seem a much more comfortable prospect.

If you are scared you don’t have the strength or resources to take care of yourself and others.

Fear of Starting Anew

These are the typical causes of a loss of confidence:

• You worked in a high pressure industry or profession before you got ill
• You fear relapse and don’t want to let others down
• You fear doing something new  You are worried about telling employers why you haven’t worked for a while  You have no idea how to change your career
• You are scared that your impaired memory or verbal recall will mean you can’t perform
• The idea of taking everything back on fills you with dread - you just don’t know how you will cope.
• You tell yourself all the negatives that might happen instead of listing the benefits of what you would like to happen
• You convince yourself you can’t do something
• You list what you can’t do rather than remind yourself of all the amazing things you can do

It is vital that you start to do something to re-build your self-esteem and belief - getting some help from a coach will help you enormously.

Elaine says

"I got a little job for 2 days per week in a property sales office 5 minutes' walk from where I lived. It was easy - all I had to do was show people around new houses. I was so nervous on my first day.

After 6 months I was so much more confident and happy. I re-discovered my confidence and within 9 months I was ready to move back into running training courses again.

I will be forever thankful for my 2 days per week showing people around houses as it broke the cycle and got me back on track."